Yay! Everything worked out! I should be happy! Right?
Any of my close friends will tell you how much I struggle with financial anxiety. Anxiety isn't something I normally deal with, but when it comes to finances it can be pretty debilitating for me. I worry about taking care of my wife and two kids. I worry about keeping the lights on. And when it comes to getting something truly expensive like a house or car, I worry that my financial issues and past mistakes will significantly affect our family’s quality of life. It is so hard to move past this feeling, and it doesn’t seem fair. “I’m trying my best here!” is something I constantly think or say during these times. And I’ve learned that this financial anxiety is really one ongoing battle of spiritual warfare.
In my small group we recently finished discussing a book called Liturgy of the Ordinary, and it navigates daily life, and the practices and habits that we do every day, through the lens of liturgy. Every chapter is a basic daily thing most people do, like making the bed, eating leftovers, or brushing your teeth. As I was again looking through the chapters, one stood out to me: losing your keys.
Close friends of mine also know that I NEVER lose my keys. (Sarcasm is hard to convey in written text, so let me just tell you this: that’s a sarcastic comment.) Unfortunately, I constantly lose my keys and have to search for them. The book goes through the process of losing your keys: where you start by getting annoyed, then minute by minute move toward panic. Next, you might blame others, get angry, and blame yourself. Eventually, you finally find them, then what happens next? Usually you get in your car and proceed as normal.
Re-reading this chapter reminded me of something that I needed to remember when it came to Dolly the Dodge: whatever my anxiety, God is there for us. Whether it’s the anxiety of losing keys, the financial stress of a dishwasher going down, an unexpected problem at work, or worrying about what’s next in life, God wants to meet us there. But we must give Him control.
This is hard to do. Because let’s be honest: we don't and can't think like God and His ways aren't our ways (Isaiah 55:8). But God also is standing in front of us. He won’t forsake us, and as hard as life can feel sometimes, we don’t need to be discouraged (Deuteronomy 31:8). Of course, we all eventually come to a point where we struggle with surrendering our illusions of control to God. This is really just my confession that giving Him control over the little and the big things in my life is something I struggle with too. Either I’m too embarrassed to ask for prayer, or I feel like I can take care of it myself, or if I do nothing, it will go away. I don’t trust God. I don’t give God control.
I was again staring this reality right in the face when we bought Dolly. You can ask my wife, because I was driving (pun intended) her nuts as we were waiting on the finance team’s paperwork. They would ask for proof of residency and I would freak out that we didn’t have any. They asked if we had full coverage car insurance, which I knew that we did, but for that split second, I’d worry, “oh my gosh we don’t have that!” Even as I try to get through everything as quickly as possible, my wife is bearing the brunt of my fear and anxiety. But once everything was done and we were in the car, it hits me: Roger, did you trust God with this?
Yeah, sure maybe I shot up a quick prayer to God, but did I really trust him? Did I let Him meet me in the midst of my problem?
As I thought through those questions, I began to feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Because it’s easy to be happy and thankful when we’re through our troubles, when everything is done, and you got what you needed. But that’s not really trust in God. Trust is God happens when you’re in the middle of whatever you’re facing. It comes through reliance on Him. Simply put, I need to trust Him. I know He won’t forsake me. John 14:27 says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
I think that’s why I enjoyed Liturgy of the Ordinary. It reminded me of the practical ways that we need to apply the truths that we believe as Christians. And even though I still forget sometimes, I’m trying to use the small moments in life as opportunities to work on trusting God, knowing He's there in those small things as well. And that’s why I’m really thankful for Dolly the Dodge.