In September of 2020, my wife and I helped plant Arise Church, and it’s suffice to say that we are pretty involved in the life of the church. Kelsey is one of the pastors on staff, and I’m an elder and head the Social Media team.
But in my early twenties, my culinary career consumed my life. I was immersed, I was focused, and it was a big part of my selfworth. I was wrapped up in being a big shot executive chef one day, maybe running a country club, or maybe opening a restaurant someday. The culinary field can be very cutthroat—not everyone is like Gordon Ramsey, but it’s not too far off. You're in a hot kitchen, and order after order after order keeps coming in. An order is about done, but it’s just waiting on your grilled salmon with beet butter and potato hay. "Roger how long on salmon!?" "That’s all we need to finish this order!" "We are already at a 12 min ticket time!" This was commonplace in the kitchen, so you had to immerse yourself in this career. You had to be focused. Because there is always someone waiting to take your opportunity.
Because of the competitiveness, late nights, long hours, and irregular work schedule, my family life and my and church life suffered. I missed a lot of Sundays. I missed a lot of church events. I felt like I couldn't even commit to a small group or helping out with a ministry. I missed so much church that people didn’t know Kelsey was married! It was tough, and I’m sure Kelsey felt the same way. During this season I longed to do more. I wanted to be there more for my family, and I wanted to serve my church. I was frustrated that I couldn’t be more involved, that I couldn’t use my gifts to multiply the kingdom. I’m not sure I fully realized it at the time, but I was really hurting. I needed to be more in sync with my family, and my church family.
Fortunately, God provided. When Kelsey was pregnant with our first child I started searching and eventually started working for a corporate dinning company, Guckenheimer, here in St. Louis. It was a welcome change and, perhaps most importantly, allowed me to work Monday through Friday from 6am to 3pm, which gave me a whole lot more time for family life and church. It meant giving up some of my chef dreams, but it made life a lot more manageable.
Fast forward to two years ago when we started having core team meetings for a new church plant coming to the St. Louis area in Fall of 2020. We were going to be church that was a community of conversation and growth for those on the fringes of faith. (We started our meeting off like this every week) One of the things that really excited me was the opportunity to not just serve but serve alongside my wife. To make up for lost time, you might say.
And as I said earlier, my wife and I are pretty involved, and we both currently serve as elders and are both in the worship band, so we get to work pretty closely with each other in ministry. While it hasn’t always been easy, it’s reaffirmed my belief that it’s important to do ministry together.
Obviously, you have to be careful and intentional about being clear with ministry and family boundaries, especially with Kelsey being on staff. She’s off on Mondays and she has staff meeting on Tuesday, so I have to really work to not overwhelm her in my desire to not get caught up on what’s going on at church. When we first started out, she would come home and I would ask her about the connection report, or ask her what songs we might do next Sunday, or ask “Who are you meeting with this week?”
I quickly realized that, for this to be sustainable, I had to be intentional about spending time with my family—and not just spending time with my family talking about church. So, I started meeting with friends and mentors, and ask them to be praying for my family life. I asked them to hold me accountable and point me to some resources to challenge my faith and leadership. I so desperately wanted this family and church life that I was missing for so long. But even more than that, I wanted it to be right. And this is when I realized something:
God challenges us in the good.
He blessed me with a growing family, and the opportunity to do ministry with my wife. BUT he challenges me in the way I take care of my family and how I prioritize them. I love how God works in that way. There is this balance that I try so hard to find. I love every moment of worshiping with my wife, serving at an event together, and even painting the church together before we launched. I love the fact that my two kids can see the example of how we serve God together. Those are all really good things. But they’re also challenging—and it’s a challenge to not let those good things overwhelm the other good things that God has provided for me.
Because it’s also important to show love to my wife and kids outside of church. Whether we’re watching a show together, talking on the car ride to pick up our kids, having coffee on a Saturday morning, or something else, those are also opportunities and moments for good. It’s hard. It’s complicated. It’s not easy. But it’s good.
Thank God that our journeys of faith are marathons and not sprints, because I (at least) need the time to find the balance. Ministry and life will be a work in progress for...ever, but that’s part of the journey.